PS: This is me venting. meaning it's not enough for me to pick a fight over.
PS: This is me venting. meaning it's not enough for me to pick a fight over.
So today marks day one. I start my diet again. I figure if I can get some encouragment from friends online (without spilling my guts to facebook, that's a privilege I reserve strictly for you guys....lucky you right?) and if I keep track of myself, and have something to 'do' revolving around my diet, like blogging, it will help me stay on track!
Why No Carb Mikki, do you know how UNHEALTHY that is for you??
Its not unhealthy. The morons on Atkins who eat 5 lbs of bacon a day and never LOOK at a green thing that has no carbs in it are the unhealthy ones. This is NOT a high fat diet. That will put you in cardiac arrest. This is a no carbohydrate high protein diet. Tell me if this sounds unhealthy.
- Three Scrambled Eggs For Breakfast
- A Small Snack of Pickle Slices
- Lunch of Three Pieces of Rolled Turkey(or Ham, or Roast Beef, Lunchmeat Essentially) Pickle Slices, A few Olives.
- Dinner of Pan Seared Fish side of Broccoli, Green Beans, or Spinach (among a bunch of other things, but those are my favorites)
- And All The Diet Soda, Diet Iced Tea, Coffee with CREAM and Equal, Tea With Equal, WATER Etc. Your Bladder Can Stand
Now that doesn't sound so unhealthy does it? The first time I went on this diet, I lost 60 lbs in two months. And that is NOT an unhealthy amount of weight according to my doctor, on this diet, it sheds the weight you've gained from your unhealthy diet. And 20 years of eating like crap was doing me in. It's a diet they put folks at risk of diabetes on (which I am/was)
I just wanted to give my friends a little education, half the reason I've fallen off the track and gained 20 of my original lost 60 lbs back, is because hearing "thats unhealthy, do this" "do this, that's going to hurt you" etc. was really wearing me down, so I figured a little education right off the bat can't hurt right?
I'm super excited to be on the right track again, and being pumped about your diet is 70% of the hard work! Amazing what a conversation with an old friend can do huh?
Wish me luck!
“I’ll be dead before you hit menopause.”
And then all at once the horriffic realization of the 13 year age difference set in. I tried so hard to be quiet. Maybe he wouldn’t see me cry. Maybe he wouldn’t hear me. Maybe I could just have a little breakdown and pick up the pieces like I’m used to. But this time, I got caught.
He hugged me and slowly pieced together what set me off. I tried to be vague. I tried not to explain. He looked into my eyes with his beautiful green eyes that turn gold when you look at him from the side, they have little rings of yellow on the outside and the inside. He has angel eyes. They’re not like normal eyes. There’s no hate in them, no malice. Just this inner peace and acceptance, love, appreciation, and so much kindness.
He looked at me and said
“I will never leave you, I promise.”
I tried to laugh it off and not show how badly I wanted to break down, but the laugh came out a sob and I fell apart. He said
“I will always be with you, just like this. Holding you, looking into your eyes. When you’re scared, afraid, alone. I’ll be right here, always, making you laugh when you’re sad. Because I can make you smile by looking at you sideways. I love you, I’ll always be with you, I’ll never leave you.”
(mind you this is a paraphrase, what he said was much more colorful and beautiful, and I just wish I could record everything he says)
And in that moment I felt like i would blink and it would be 60 years later and I’m old and alone in a hospital bed. Dying. He’s long gone, but I think back and it’s like yesterday. Those perfect green eyes that look gold when you look at them from the side, with the little rings of yellow on the outside and the inside. He’s telling me he’s with me, and will always be with me, just like now, when I’m scared, and feel alone, and I’m frightened. And I hope with all my soul that in that moment I can just smile and drift away, and look into his eyes again soon.
I've never had a love like this before. So reassuring, so strong and positive. He's helping me with the things I need help with and doing none of it for me. He's just a positive driving force in my life, and I don't ever want to picture life without him in it. He is so wonderful, and good to me, and kind, and loving, and just....everything. I have never in my life met someone so pure. I truly love him with all my heart, and this world would be less without someone like him within it.
Anywho. So when last I updated, I was probably going ON and ON and ON and ON about what a WOOOOONDERFUL and AMAZING boyfriend Tylor was. He wasn't. I lied to you live journal, and I'm sorry. I lied to the world because I was trying to convince myself I was telling the truth about a relationship that never should have been. Fact is, he needed someone. He needed someone to take care of him, to let him walk on them, to do all that BS, and I let him. For someone who usually identifies with the villain, I sure do play the hero a lot. There's a lot to be said psychologically about all that, but that's another blog for another day. (and probably another prescription, but I digress)
This is where I go on about how I found someone new and everyone rolls their eyes and goes "again? Why don't you stay SINGLE for a while!?" Welp, because I'm not happy single. I'm just not. And it's not me 'filling some void' either. There's a lot of things I need in my life that I don't want to get outside a relationship. Sex for one. While not the most important, it seems the most easily explained. I need sex. And while I could go to a club, or ring up exes, or run around an just sort of whore it up, while I LOVE SEX, like...NEED it, I am not a whore. And I feel that is important to point out. I'm not a floozy, I have a lot more love of the connection between two people than just the physical aspect of "getting off". I love the mental, emotion, and physical connection all in one. So thats one thing.
I like to cuddle. I can't just cuddle with a friend, or with a guy friend, or whatever. Because I find, oddly, cuddling is rather intimate. Someones heart beat in your ear gets to you after a while. And I'm sure for the gents having a pretty thing all curled up in your lap, looking up at you here and there, smiling and what not, certainly doesn't make you want to fall in love with her. Certainly not. Heavens no. I'm not into mind games.
There's a lot more, what with me having an endless source of needing to please. I'd rather have a S/O to dote on than have a bunch of assorted people using me. At least with an S/O there's a mutual benefit. I prefer to please emotionally. Write someone songs, make paintings, give someone a shoulder rub. Stuff I can't really do with friends. Some of it I can, but it's not the same.
Then I got to know Shawn. And it was ALL very silly the way it started. I've known him through NERO for....quite some time. But I never really KNEW him. The last Ravenholt event I attended, he was there, I was there. I was hanging with Nikki who is friends with him so by proxy we hung out and i sort of got to know "him". Other world him though. AIM, yahoo emails etc. were traded etc etc. We chatted online here and there. Then one night about 2 months ago? Maybe a little less, I was online, so was he. He randomly shoots me to a 4chan forum.
Thats right. 4chan is involved in my relationship.
So he links me to a 4chan forum, then to an earth cam. Which are security cameras in NYC you can people watch on. He linked me to camera 2 I believe. Outside some T.G.I.Fridays. The forum is all people in NY daring each other to go into the city and knock over this rack of greeting cards that's in the cameras range. Only problem is, NYC has cops on every corner. Good luck. Lots of people told us what they'd be wearing, showed up, were in the cam for a good 20 minutes or so, then chickened out. He and I were having a ball laughing at the absurdity of it all.
So one night I'm at Gabys, and I was going to go hang out with a friend, and by a stroke of luck, he sort of canceled and i was half way to his house. Annoyed, clearly, I was ready to turn around. But I remembered Shawn asking if I wanted to hang out, which I did, but had prior plans, which had been canceled. So I called him and figured "what the hell, maybe he's still around" So we hung out, and it was awesome. Horror movies until 3 AM. Which, while awesome, terrified me the whole drive back to Gaby's. Then about a week later, Valentines rolls around.
I get an IM the night before Single Awareness day. It's Shawn.
Shawn: Date tomorrow?
Me: Nope, no one asked, you?
Shawn: No I'm asking if you want one.
Me: Oh.....lol Sure!
....She said trying not to sound like this ---> OMG YES!!!! ID LOVE TO!!!! *SQUEEee
So yes. We went out on Valentines day, he got me a card and everything. And it was a deepest sympathies card. Which made my night.
***ADDENDUM**** Since Valentines day mind you? I've gotten A LOT done. The ex said I never finished anything. I went out with Shawn twice and found my muse. I'm working on about 5 original songs, I did 3 paintings, I cleaned and rearranged my room, I cleaned out my car, I cleaned out my storage unit, I have caught up with doctors and dentist appointments, I have started eating healthy and exercising, I have lost 20 lbs, and I am HAPPY AS HELL!
So that's how all this business started. Our senses of humor are exactly alike, we make each other laugh ALL the time. Nothing is ever too super serious, and that's how we like it. He makes me happy, I make him happy. He's handsome, I'm OBVIOUSLY irresistible (/sarcasm). He's just sort of all around wonderful. And the best part? It's easy. Nothing feels forced. Writing this blog was easy. I didn't embellish like I often do, trying to convince myself I've found my happily ever after. I'm just content. I am fulfilled, and for once? I really think I'm truly happy.
<3 "The real lover is the man who can thrill you by kissing your forehead or smiling into your eyes or just staring into space."~Marilyn Monroe<3
Then I stop and look back on my past relationships. Worshiped like a goddess.....then there was you, you saw me as an equal, you saw me as human. Not a starlet, not the popular actress, or the girl with the incredible voice. You saw me as another person, existing alongside you on earth. I'm still not sure how I feel about this transition. Maybe it's better to be a god among men than to be a god among gods. Maybe I've officially lost my mind. Maybe I'm thinking too hard, over-analyzing.
I love you so much, and yet I hate you so hard. I cant stop thinking about you, and yet sometimes I forget that you're mine. I just want to show you how much I love you....and I wish and hope and pray that someday you'll show me how much you love me....then maybe all this hurting will stop.
So I decided to dress average, well, for me anyway. I had a red and black plaid skirt, a red and black t-shirt on, leggings under the skirt, and little slipper shoes. This is completely in style, and it was rather slimming on me. I'm only a size 16 mind you. I'm not as big as I think I am. Or at least I thought. My hair was in a ponytail, I had actually bothered to curl my bangs off to the side so they looked good. I only had eyeliner and mascara on, really minimal makeup, nothing too dramatic, I was just running errands.
So I meet up with my friend Billeh, and we do some stuff, we both decide we want a soda so we go to the local 7-11 for big gulps.
We go in, check out. Head to my car.
Billeh gets in the car and as he shuts the door on the passenger side after I give him our stuff I hear "Holy shit! Is that a halloween costume?!" I don't turn around, I know the voice, it was the guy behind us in line, I had caught a glimpse of him, 30's, still dressing like some gangster 15 year old. And for the record, he's white. And we're in Abington. The LEAST ghetto town on the south shore. So I ignore it, then I hear them laughing, so I turn, and yep, they're laughing at me. Awesome. Why the fuck? Is my skirt tucked into my pants? Nope. Is my shirt riding up? Nope. Just assholes I guess.
So THEN, as I go to get in my car, he leans out (again, from the safety of his vehicle) "You're the ugliest thing I've ever seen!"
Those words are still ringing in my ears. That a complete stranger, an ADULT, would say that, to a young girl. Why would anyone do that? My self esteem was low in the morning, it was getting back up, then...a complete stranger, not even some nightmare from highschool, just, some jerk from the street, some completely useless piece of gutter trash, feels he has the right to pick on me? Why the hell would an adult do that? To reach out to another human being and make fun of them. it's not like I was dressed CRAZY goth like I used to, then, maybe I'd be asking for it, but then again, I'm an adult, why the hell would anyone act so infantile?
So I'm about to let it roll off my back, when his buddy shouts out "YOU'RE FAT!" as they speed off.....
What the fuck? Why the hell didn't I try to reach into the car and destroy them? Hit them with my car? Ram them with the side of my car, run them off the road, pull the skinny one out of the car and beat the shit out of him?
Guess I was too shocked. I could barely move. I was offended, surprised, upset, sad, self conscious, concerned, I felt violated. I dunno....guess I just needed to get that off my shoulders....heh....Just kind of wish I could get back on my feet and be confident before someone knocked me down again.
I've ALWAYS hung around guys, I've never really had 'girlfriends' who haven't fucked me over in some major way, so I tend to avoid women. They are snakes. But being around guys all growing up, I suppose I have a lot of habits that are male influenced. Mostly, I call em like I see em. If there's a joke to be made? I make it. Ribbing to be done, I rib away. If you're lookin good, I'll tell you. I can have conversations about sex and not feel ashamed. LIKE. A. GUY. Maybe guys don't always say "hey you look great!" but its the feminine version of "dude, sweet shirt" I suppose. Bottom line is, I think, because I don't think like a plotting female (though I have been known to plot, it's been thought out, not just a natural reaction...) and I think like a guy sometimes, that i confuse males. And I think I confuse them in the way that they mistake my blatant friendliness for flirting. Sometimes I am flirting, yes, flirting is fun. But I never mean to hurt anyone, and if I'm flirting for KEEPS, like I WANT YOU, believe me, it'd be more blunt than "tee hee, is than an innuendo sir? teehee!" If I want you, I will straight out tell you. I am not a cheat, so even though I may say some things, if I'm taken, please know that I'm all talk and fun.
Sexual tension is probably more enjoyable than the sex itself. That moment before a first kiss where you get the crawly butterfly feeling is one of the most raw, pure, intense feelings in the world and it just feels good. Giving in feels good too, but once you give in to that first kiss, you'll never feel THAT feeling again with that person. Let it linger for a while, enjoy the tension.
Then I get in too deep sometimes...sometimes my little game gets ahead of me, but I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm a very sexual creature and I AM still female, so sometimes the men are just supposed to know. You know, psychically, like you're also supposed to know exactly what I want you to say to me at what moment....exactly. Reason again why I resent being female sometimes. I am aware of the fact that I will burn holes into the back of your head trying to transmit a thought, or what to say to me, and when you don't, I'll get depressed or irritable. I am AWARE that I do that....and there's still nothing I can do to prevent it. it's like knowing how your house is wired, knowing whats wrong with it, knowing theoretically how to fix it ,and having none of the tools or REAL know how, so you just deal with it and get annoyed when it works against you.
I dunno, just needed to write about that.....sometimes being a sexual being is more than it's worth....
How ever did you do it Marilyn?
So my ex bf and i have been talking. We're on a friendly page up until a week or so ago. To my knowledge we had been on an ok page, until I left for
Fantastic. I didn't miss this game at ALL.
So I called him a few times with no answer. yesterday I get another text and I call him. It picks up and hangs up immediately. Then I call back, ring ring ring ring voicemail. Sweet. "What's going on? You're freaking me out, I thought we were good and I'm really confused. Please just call me back, I want to know what the fuck is going on."
Much less harsh than I should have been.
So last night i get a text at 3 AM, which would have been fine if I hadnt been trying to sleep off my sinus/stomach infection/ulcer....
it read; "GRRR!" then followed by "HAHahahaHAHAhahAHAHAHahahHAHA!!"
Fuck you guy. Seriously. He has a new girlfriend. So I don't know why he feels it nessicary to do this to me, even if I have a new boyfriend. So I sent him this little ditty.
"What do you want from me!? The gloves are off pal, no more mrs. nice clown,I'm done with this bullshit. One minute we're fine, on the same page and friendly, and the nxt youre harassing me! Do you get that? You're locking me in a mental hell and I wont stand for it..
You cant have sex without love, well people can, but I know YOU cant. Not good sex anyway. You my friend have burned your last bridge with me. Im done. I may try to save this friendship one last time. Once and only once, but I'll show up when you least expect it, when you cant run from me like the coward you are.
You're afraid. Afraid of me, afraid of life, success, and love. Which is why you're with her and not me. Because you fear love, and you dont love her. I loved you, but you couldnt get over yourself so I had to look for someone who would love me back, and care about themselves as much as me. You abused yourself with drugs and alcohol infront of me. The tears I once shed in passion and love are growing cold and dismal. So paint your face, run your club, fuck your little wannabe harley, but I know the truth. Its fake, it's all fake, just like you. Everyone knows "joker" but I know josh."
I'm feeling like the bitch again :D
-What foundation do you use?
I use mineral powder thank you. My skin requires no "foundation"
-What powder do you use?
-What eyebrow pencil do you use?
my eyebrows are flawless and need none of this "pencil"
-What eyeliner do you use?
Liquid, usually Milani I love Milani...mmmmm
-What is your favorite eyeshadow?
Lancome. Hands down.
-What mascara do you use?
Meybeline(sp?) XXL Lashes CURL or Stiletto
What are your favourite lip bams/glosses/sticks?
Lipstick. Lancome fire engine red. Or for black...milani liquid eyeliner lol
-Do you colour your hair?
....I'm a real blonde. Really.
I'm a real blonde!!!
-At the salon?
-What is your stylists name?
Aphrodite, I'm not even kidding.
-What salon do you go to?
The Hair Cafe in MA
-What is your natural hair color?
-What is your hair color now?
-Do you have straight or curly hair?
-Do you use a curling iron?
dont need one
-Do you use a blowdryer?
nope nope frizz frizz
-Do you use gel/mousse/serum/hairspray and if so, what kinds?
Styletini mousse. Aussie scrunch spray and aquanet
-What shampoo do you use?
Sexy Curly Hair
-What conditioner do you use?
anything I can get my hands on
-Do you use leave in conditioner?
-What deodorant do you use?
this weird ass vanilla chai deodorant that makes me smell like a starbucks coffee machine
-What body wash/soap do you use?
Anything from LUSH, currently, fairy godmother
-Do you use a loofah, washcloth or soap to wash?
all of the above :)
-What perfumes do you use or like?
Chanel #9, Vera Wang: Princess, and "Black Roses"
-Are diamonds really a girl's best friend?
-What is your jewellery essential?
my crystal ring, and my skull bracelet that my puddin got me :)
-What jewellery do you wear most?
-What jewellery do you crave most?
rupees and diamonds. Emeralds too. Gold and platinum
Purses and Shoes
-How many purses do you own?
probably like 12
-Which is your favourite?
my WWII German gasmask bag :)
-How many shoes do you own?
-Which pair is your favourite?
any of my stilettos. But my red pumps are the sexiest.
-Who is your favourite handbag designer?
-Who is your favourite shoe designer?
I actually really like Carlos Santana's line
-What are your favourite stores to clothes shop?
Hottopic(shut up) Urban Outfitters, Savers, The Garment District
-What is your personal style mantra?
fuck you I do what I like, hippie skirts. ooooh yeaaaah
-How would you describe your personal style?
a little crazy, but I always look good ;)
-What is your favourite shirt?
my harley t-shirts :)
What is your favourite jeans?
My camo pants :)
I love the smell of explosives in the morning.
I was raised in a city filled with weirdo's. Where the smog running from the sewers is thicker than concrete that it's roads, buildings and politicians are made of. Then again, our politicians don't last too long, tendency to be, ya know, two faced. What politician isn't? It's a city filled with lights, some of em in funny shapes that blaze across the sky like some kind of threat whenever you see it. Behave it seems to say. Big brother is watching you. Gotham. It's an interesting place with a lot of strange characters running around, I know I'm not one to talk. But what I'm here to tell you is I'M NOT CRAZY. Sure, like I said, I love the smell of explosives in the morning, but who doesn't? Think about it, who hasn't taken a quick pleased sniff of the gas pump when filling their car on their morning commute to the rat race, confused by the fact that they actually enjoy the smell, they like it. Or sulfur, people smell it and feign disgust....ain't true. Part of you is curious about the smell. Well....I was told by someone very near and dear to me that that smell isn't just an explosive. It's the scent of true order....Chaos. Gas pumps could bust at any second....BANG!!! Hehe, never know when someone forgets to put out a cigarette at the pump. Ironic really. Smoking does kill, one way or another. That someone, incase you hadn't already figured it out, is the Joker some of you say he's my partner in crime, some of you say I was his. Look at it how ever you want. Sure we ran through the streets painting smiley faces on everything, but in a city like this, who wouldn't want to try to make everyone smile!! And suuuure, he MAY have made a little laughing toxin....and....poisioned the cities water supply with it, and brought a couple chuckles to the charity ball with a little giggle gas. Those people needed to lighten up anyways!! Sure we got a guy who keeps himself hold up in and igloo with penguines as companions, yet we don't ask what the maaayor does in HIS spare time! No one does! Just what the Jokers doing, what's the penguines doing, what's the scarecrow doing?? DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A SEVEN FOOT TALL CROCADILE MAN LIVING IN YOUR SEWERS!?
*ahem* Sorry... Ya see, it's our city too, we have nothin against it...we love it
Juuuust the way it is...but someone....he always wants to change it. If
people didn't like it they'd move! Sure it smells and it's loud, but its where we all live...Where the hell are they gonna go anyways? Metropolise!? HA! I hear they got a jerk in a suit too....there's always a jerk in a suit, ALWAYS...Always deciding that one of us is crazy, always deciding that I'm nuts and blaming my puddin for it at that! Always sayin we need to be committed!! Well I'll tell ya what, I've got an MD in psychiactrics and MY diagnosis says that we're all fine! I'm sure OUR jerk in a suit doesn't have an MD! He's always pushing his oppinions on other people! And you damn cattle always assume he's right! JUST, CAUSE HE'S, A JERK, IN A SUIT!!! I HARLEY QUINN HERE DO BY SOLOMLY SWEAR TO KICK THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ANY JERK IN A SUIT!!!
Ya know what the problem is with this city? JERKS IN SUITS, ITS BATMAN! BATMANS TO BLAME HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED HE SHOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT....OBJECTION!? SUSTAINED!?
*deep breath* I guess what I'm trying to say your honor is....Not Guilty.