Makeup

-What foundation do you use?
I use mineral powder thank you. My skin requires no "foundation"

-What powder do you use?
Mineral powder?

-What eyebrow pencil do you use?
my eyebrows are flawless and need none of this "pencil"

-What eyeliner do you use?
Liquid, usually Milani I love Milani...mmmmm

-What is your favorite eyeshadow?
Lancome. Hands down.

-What mascara do you use?
Meybeline(sp?) XXL Lashes CURL or Stiletto

What are your favourite lip bams/glosses/sticks?
Lipstick. Lancome fire engine red. Or for black...milani liquid eyeliner lol

Hair

-Do you colour your hair?
....I'm a real blonde. Really.

-At home?
I'm a real blonde!!!

-At the salon?
REALLY!!!

-What is your stylists name?
Aphrodite, I'm not even kidding.

-What salon do you go to?
The Hair Cafe in MA

-What is your natural hair color?
....blonde....damn it.

-What is your hair color now?
BLONDE!!!!

-Do you have straight or curly hair?
Curly :)

-Do you use a curling iron?
dont need one

-A straightener?
Yes.

-What kinds?
ceramic

-Do you use a blowdryer?
nope nope frizz frizz

-Do you use gel/mousse/serum/hairspray and if so, what kinds?
Styletini mousse. Aussie scrunch spray and aquanet

-What shampoo do you use?
Sexy Curly Hair

-What conditioner do you use?
anything I can get my hands on

-Do you use leave in conditioner?
yesh

Scents

-What deodorant do you use?
this weird ass vanilla chai deodorant that makes me smell like a starbucks coffee machine

-What body wash/soap do you use?
Anything from LUSH, currently, fairy godmother

-Do you use a loofah, washcloth or soap to wash?
all of the above :)

-What perfumes do you use or like?
Chanel #9, Vera Wang: Princess, and "Black Roses"

Jewellery

-Are diamonds really a girl's best friend?
totally

-What is your jewellery essential?
my crystal ring, and my skull bracelet that my puddin got me :)

-What jewellery do you wear most?
my rings

-What jewellery do you crave most?
rupees and diamonds. Emeralds too. Gold and platinum

Purses and Shoes

-How many purses do you own?
probably like 12

-Which is your favourite?
my WWII German gasmask bag :)

-How many shoes do you own?
too many.

-Which pair is your favourite?
any of my stilettos. But my red pumps are the sexiest.

-Who is your favourite handbag designer?
WWII Germany?

-Who is your favourite shoe designer?
I actually really like Carlos Santana's line

Shopping

-What are your favourite stores to clothes shop?
Hottopic(shut up) Urban Outfitters, Savers, The Garment District

-What is your personal style mantra?
fuck you I do what I like, hippie skirts. ooooh yeaaaah

-How would you describe your personal style?
a little crazy, but I always look good ;)

-What is your favourite shirt?
my harley t-shirts :)

What is your favourite jeans?
My camo pants :)

((Attempt at that kind of speaky poetry I keep hearin about, coppo and jay and chris I would PARTICULARLY like your input))



I love the smell of explosives in the morning.
I was raised in a city filled with weirdo's. Where the smog running from the sewers is thicker than concrete that it's roads, buildings and politicians are made of. Then again, our politicians don't last too long, tendency to be, ya know, two faced. What politician isn't? It's a city filled with lights, some of em in funny shapes that blaze across the sky like some kind of threat whenever you see it. Behave it seems to say. Big brother is watching you. Gotham. It's an interesting place with a lot of strange characters running around, I know I'm not one to talk. But what I'm here to tell you is I'M NOT CRAZY. Sure, like I said, I love the smell of explosives in the morning, but who doesn't? Think about it, who hasn't taken a quick pleased sniff of the gas pump when filling their car on their morning commute to the rat race, confused by the fact that they actually enjoy the smell, they like it. Or sulfur, people smell it and feign disgust....ain't true. Part of you is curious about the smell. Well....I was told by someone very near and dear to me that that smell isn't just an explosive. It's the scent of true order....Chaos. Gas pumps could bust at any second....BANG!!! Hehe, never know when someone forgets to put out a cigarette at the pump. Ironic really. Smoking does kill, one way or another. That someone, incase you hadn't already figured it out, is the Joker some of you say he's my partner in crime, some of you say I was his. Look at it how ever you want. Sure we ran through the streets painting smiley faces on everything, but in a city like this, who wouldn't want to try to make everyone smile!! And suuuure, he MAY have made a little laughing toxin....and....poisioned the cities water supply with it, and brought a couple chuckles to the charity ball with a little giggle gas. Those people needed to lighten up anyways!! Sure we got a guy who keeps himself hold up in and igloo with penguines as companions, yet we don't ask what the maaayor does in HIS spare time! No one does! Just what the Jokers doing, what's the penguines doing, what's the scarecrow doing?? DO YOU KNOW YOU HAVE A SEVEN FOOT TALL CROCADILE MAN LIVING IN YOUR SEWERS!?
*ahem* Sorry... Ya see, it's our city too, we have nothin against it...we love it
Juuuust the way it is...but someone....he always wants to change it. If
people didn't like it they'd move! Sure it smells and it's loud, but its where we all live...Where the hell are they gonna go anyways? Metropolise!? HA! I hear they got a jerk in a suit too....there's always a jerk in a suit, ALWAYS...Always deciding that one of us is crazy, always deciding that I'm nuts and blaming my puddin for it at that! Always sayin we need to be committed!! Well I'll tell ya what, I've got an MD in psychiactrics and MY diagnosis says that we're all fine! I'm sure OUR jerk in a suit doesn't have an MD! He's always pushing his oppinions on other people! And you damn cattle always assume he's right! JUST, CAUSE HE'S, A JERK, IN A SUIT!!! I HARLEY QUINN HERE DO BY SOLOMLY SWEAR TO KICK THE LIVING CRAP OUTTA ANY JERK IN A SUIT!!!
Ya know what the problem is with this city? JERKS IN SUITS, ITS BATMAN! BATMANS TO BLAME HE SHOULD BE ARRESTED HE SHOULD BE HERE RIGHT NOW! I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT CRAZY I'M NOT....OBJECTION!? SUSTAINED!?

*deep breath* I guess what I'm trying to say your honor is....Not Guilty.

Stop it. Seriously.


I get it, somethings popular...

PUT YOUR STINK ALL OVER IT...





*Scoff*




gauche...

There's something about a living being.

I'm not 100% on what it is...

There's something about looking into a loved ones eyes and just...feeling them. Not like physically, just...feeling them. They are there, you are there, and the space in between you could be a foot or a mile, but at the same time it's non existent.

When you lock eyes with someone, remember, that you aren't just locking eyes with them they are locking eyes with you. They are seeing something completely different, yet the reaction could be exactly the same. It's bizarre and hard to explain. But the feeling of another living being is amazing when you think about it. They are alive. They breathe, and have a beating heart, a pulse, a brain. The same as you. But for one solitary moment in time it seems as though you are seeing through the same eyes, feeling the same feelings, your hear beats seems to sync up, your pulses rush simultaneously, and the rise and fall of your chests is completely in time.

When you lay next to him and place your head on his chest and hear his heart beat. Really think about it. This person loves you. This individual created of everything you are. Skin, bone, tissue, blood. But they have, in free will devoted themselves to you.

I think that could very well be the key to love. Understanding that "He loves me" is not just a statement. Remember, and think on what it means to you to say "I love you" we say it and it means one thing. We KNOW how that feels. Someone else says it and we don't necessarily know how THEY feel. (god this is getting confusing, but introspective and I like it so shut up and read) Just imagine....when they say it, they feel about you, the same way you feel about them. All the energy and time you think about them, they think about you.

They say the eyes are the window to the soul. They are. You can see everything someone is thinking and feeling when you look into someones eyes.

But breathing is the most amazing and well, breathtaking thing of all. Watching someone live. Go ahead, tell me I've smoked too much, but I believe it.

When I look into Jokers eyes I see something I don't think I've ever seen. I see what I'm giving. I see complete devotion, love, and trust. He cares about me.

I care about him.

He says he loves me, and the intensity burning in his eyes would put the sun to shame.
When I tell him I love him I feel this fluttery feeling in my stomach, like it's the first time I've said it all over again. The nervousness, that he might not reciprocate, and not because he doesn't love me, I know he does, and I know he will. But sometimes when you love someone, its brand new every time you say it, that twitchy nervous feeling. So maybe not like he won't say it, just excited that he'll say it back. Like reopening a present, its the same one, but it's still as big a joy as the first time. (queer analogy 1)

When I fall asleep with him I feel safer than I've ever felt. I know he'll protect me. Even where we sleep is reassuring. I am in between him and the wall, where nothing can get to me. He is closest to the door. It's purely psychological, but it's interesting to look at, as it was the other way around in the beginning. They we said I love you, and it changed one night. Nothing we talked about, it just happened.

And it's little things, like feeling safe that make me love him even more. If we're out somewhere and someone I don't particularly feel comfortable around is there, he makes me feel safe. I feel that he would protect me no matter what. He's patient but none of that passive aggressive BS. If there is a problem, he addresses it.

When he holds my hand I feel my pulse start to race, touching was never such a detail to be observed, suddenly I'm noticing all this stuff and I'm starting to see what I was missing out on. You find something else with every new relationship I know, but something here is different. We don't necessarily (always) finish each others sentences, but we'll randomly start humming the same line of a song that's stuck in our heads. Or we'll randomly say the same horrible off color thing. It's amazing. I feel completely connected to him. And now I feel like I should be burning incense or listening to Enya or Krishna Das

And as a side note, there's nothing sexier than when I guy talks business while taking off a suit, it's incredibly erotic. "Ohh la la, the provider type, tre sexy" hehe.

Bottom line is when you think about it the idea of someone living for you, living next to you, being a living person, ugh, it's just amazing.

"It doesn't matter if the guy is perfect or the girl is perfect, as long as they are perfect for each other. "

"If the people we love are stolen from us,
The way to have them live on, is to remember them.
Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."

"Love is the strongest emotion any creature can feel except for hate, but hate can't hurt you. Love, and trust, and friendship, and all the other emotions humans value so much, are the only emotions that can bring pain. Only love can break a heart into so many pieces."

"Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell."

"We enjoy warmth because we have been cold.
We appreciate light because we have been in darkness.
By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness."

"Love can sometimes be magic, but magic can sometimes... just be an illusion."

I miss a good chunk of my friends, but nothing is worse than knowing someone is trying to pull away from you.

I find happiness in one place, and the other one goes away....


this sucks.

(X) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(X) Grease
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean
(X) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
(X) Boondock Saints
(X) Fight Club
(X) Starsky and Hutch
(X) Neverending Story
(X) Blazing Saddles
(X) Airplane
Total: 10

(X) The Princess Bride
(X) Anchorman
(X) Napoleon Dynamite
(X) Labyrinth
(X) Saw
(X) Saw II
(X) White Noise
( ) White Oleander
(X) Anger Management
(X) 50 First Dates
(X) The Princess Diaries
(X) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Total so far: 21

(X) Scream
(X) Scream 2
(X) Scream 3
(X) Scary Movie
(X) Scary Movie 2
(X) Scary Movie 3
(X) Scary Movie 4
(X) American Pie
(X) American Pie 2
(X) American Wedding
(X) American Pie Band Camp
Total so far: 33

(X) Harry Potter: PS
(X) Harry Potter: CoS
(X) Harry Potter: PoA
(X) Harry Potter: GoF
(X) Harry Potter: OoP
(X) Resident Evil 1
(X) Resident Evil 2
(X) The Wedding Singer
(X) Little Black Book
(X) The Village
(X) Lilo & Stitch
Total so far: 44

(X) Finding Nemo
(X) Finding Neverland
(X) Signs
(X) The Grinch
(X) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(X) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(X) White Chicks
(X) Butterfly Effect
(X) 13 Going on 30
(X) I, Robot
( ) Robots
Total so far: 54

(X) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
(X) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(X) Along Came Polly
(X) Deep Impact
(X) KingPin
(X) Never Been Kissed
(X) Meet The Parents
(X) Meet the Fockers
(X) Eight Crazy Nights
(X) Joe Dirt
(X) KING KONG
Total so far: 65

(X) A Cinderella Story
(X) The Terminal
(X) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
(X) Passport to Paris
(X) Dumb & Dumber
(X) Dumber & Dumberer
(X) Final Destination
(X) Final Destination 2
(X) Final Destination 3
(X) Halloween
(X) The Ring
(X) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
(X) Flubber
Total so far: 78

(X) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
(X) Practical Magic
(X) Chicago
(X) Ghost Ship
(X) From Hell
(X) Hellboy
(X) Hellboy 2: GA
(X) Secret Window
(X) I Am Sam
(X) The Whole Nine Yards
(X) The Whole Ten Yards
Total so far: 89

(X) The Day After Tomorrow
(X) Child's Play
(X) Seed of Chucky
(X) Bride of Chucky
(X) Ten Things I Hate About You
(X) Just Married
(X) Gothika
(X) Nightmare on Elm Street
(X) Sixteen Candles
(X) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(X) The Grudge
(X) The Grudge 2
(X) The Mask
(X) Son Of The Mask
Total so far: 103

(X) Bad Boys
(X) Bad Boys 2
(X) Joy Ride
(X) Lucky Number Slevin
(X) Ocean's Eleven
(X) Ocean's Twelve
(X) Ocean's Thirteen
(X) Bourne Identity
(X) Bourne Supremecy
( ) Lone Star
(X) Bedazzled
(X) Predator I
(X) Predator II
(X) The Fog
(X) Ice Age
(X) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(X) Curious George
Total so far: 119

(X) Independence Day
(X) Cujo
(X) A Bronx Tale
(X) Darkness Falls
(X) Christine
(X) ET
(X) Children of the Corn
( ) My Bosses Daughter
(X) Maid in Manhattan
(X) War of the Worlds
(X) Rush Hour
(X) Rush Hour 2
(X) Rush Hour 3
Total so far: 131

( ) Best Bet
(X) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(X) She's All That
(X) Calendar Girls
(X) Sideways
(X) Mars Attacks
(X) Event Horizon
(X) Ever After
(X) Wizard of Oz
(X) Forrest Gump
(X) Big Trouble in Little China
(X) The Terminator
(X) The Terminator 2
(X) The Terminator 3
Total so far: 144

(X) X-Men
(X) X-2
(X) X-3
(X) Spider-Man
(X) Spider-Man 2
(X) Sky High
(X) Jeepers Creepers
(X) Jeepers Creepers 2
(X) Catch Me If You Can
(X) The Little Mermaid
(X) Freaky Friday
(X) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
(X) Cruel Intentions
(X) Cruel Intentions 2
(X) The Hot Chick
(X) Shrek
(X) Shrek 2
(X) Shrek 3
Total so far: 162

(X) Swimfan
(X) Miracle on 34th street
(X) Old School
(X) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
(X) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
(X) Boogeyman
(X) The 40-year-old Virgin
Total so far: 169

(X) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(X) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(X) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King
(X) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
(X) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
(X) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(X) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
Total so far: 176

(X) Baseketball
(X) Hostel
(X) Waiting for Guffman
(X) House of 1000 Corpses
(X) Devils Rejects
(X) Elf
(X) Highlander
(X) Mothman Prophecies
(X) American History X
( ) Three
Total so Far: 185

(X) The Jacket
(X) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
(X) Night Watch
(X) Monsters Inc.
(X) Titanic
(X) Monty Python and the Holy Grail
(X) Shaun Of the Dead
(X) Willard
Total so far: 193

( ) High Tension
(X) Club Dread
(X) Hulk
(X) Dawn Of the Dead
(X) Hook
(X) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(X) 28 days later
(X) Orgazmo
(X) Phantasm
(X) Waterworld
Total so far: 202

(X) Kill Bill vol 1
(X) Kill Bill vol 2
(X) Mortal Kombat
(X) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
(X) The Hills Have Eyes
( ) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman
( ) The Last House on the Left
(X) Re-Animator
(X) Army of Darkness
Total so far: 209

(X) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
(X) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
(X) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(X) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(X) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(X) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
(X) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
(X) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
Total so far: 217

(X) The Matrix
(X) The Matrix Reloaded
(X) The Matrix Revolutions
(X) Animatrix
(X) Evil Dead
(X) Evil Dead 2
(X) Team America: World Police
(X) Red Dragon
(X) Silence of the Lambs
(X) Hannibal

TOTAL::: 227



Yeesh....

Have you ever just wanted to roll into a ball and die? Not for any particular reason other than you are SO fucking envious of someone who has NO IDEA what they have and take it for granted.

You know, like skinny kids who eat nothing but shit all day and lose a pound. Yea


Or the beautiful girl who has someone completely devoted to her, but she destroys her life from the inside out with drug use.


Or the smart boy who got straight A's in school and had a promising career in front of him at an Ivy League school but decided to get drunk one night and died in a wreck the night before orientation.



My point is, I'm sick of people taking shit for granted around me. So many people in my life are absolutely blessed, whether is be with their body, their personality (that covers all of you), or even something like patience; but they take it completely for granted. And *I* for one, am sick of being taken for granted.

When I go out of my way to do/go somewhere/say something it's the least someone could do to be appreciative/be there/listen. But most of the time they aren't/don't show/get distracted.

I feel like I need to paint myself purple and cover myself in polka dots, sparkles, and party streamers to even get noticed anymore. People wonder why I'm distant, well I have to go always. *I* have to drive, *I* have to meet someone somewhere. Well I'm SICK OF IT. I'm grossly put off by the number of people who have used me for my car, namely several ex boyfriends and ex friends.

I've done a lot of looking back. The world is changing and so am I. Mind you, I'm still the loud, brassy, forward individual I always was, that will never change (sorry). But really, lets look at the shit 2007-2008 so grandly spoon fed me. Shit covered in shit, rolled around in shit and light frosted.....in weasel piss. I'm sick of being used and walked on only to turn around and realize that those that use me CLAIM that I've been awful to them and used them in return. Scott for example. I gave him everything, I changed for him, I cut out my friends for him, I played by his rules as if he were a parent. But because he was SURE I was cheating on him, he convinced himself I was, broke up with me, and sent slanderous BS all over the internet about what a "whore" I am. Sorry pal, but no. I'm done with that sort of shit.

I'm happy for once in my life, but I still can't help but get down on myself with a case of the "why not me's" which is epically dumb and lame and sucks more than a Vietnamese hooker on skid row in NYC. (Which is a lot for those of you who are unfamiliar with NYC....or LSH) Bogus.

Anywho, I've discovered that I'm just going to stop for a while. I'm going to get involved in my own little world and work on loving ME. I love my friends, but I focus so much on pleasing them that I forget about me. Then I take time to myself and I go stir crazy because I feel like I'm letting people down when I say "no" or "I can't" a habit which NEEDS to be broken for me to move on in life.


Just needed to get that off my chest.


Also "moon tanning"

Charles Barkley told Arizona cops that he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up a girl who had "given him a 'blow job' one week earlier," which the former NBA star described as "the best one he had ever had in his life." According to a Gilbert Police Department report, a copy of which you'll find here, police asked Barkley where he was going at the time of the 1:26 AM traffic stop in Scottsdale. "You want the truth? I was gonna drive around the corner and get a blow job," answered Barkley. A cooperative Barkley also joked with a civilian police employee that, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass" if it would get him out of the DUI charge. 


http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2008/1231081barkley1.html

hy⋅poc⋅ri⋅sy [hi-pok-ruh-see]

–noun, plural -sies.

1.	a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.

2.	a pretense of having some desirable or publicly approved attitude.

3.	an act or instance of hypocrisy.

I'm amazed and astounded at the level of this "hypocrisy" that seems to be consistantly rising in my household. I'm ever so glad that I'm moving out. There is nothing I can stand less than shameless bigotry and lack of embarrassment on such a thing without and moral high ground to at least ATTEMPT to correct yourself or keep quiet in mixed company. NOW, if your argument actually has a leg to stand on, preach away. But lack of one will be punished by an immediate beheading.


FOR EXAMPLE:

My mother just put on a movie, Puccini for Beginners, I have no idea what it's about. I know some chick that played a chick who was effectively mangled by an acident with amnesia is in it playing a lesbian. Good for her, she looks much nicer without the headwound. (Jane Doe for thoes who watch the show, the amnesiatic mother who wound up sort of with McSteamy) Anywho, she's a lesbian....whatever? My stepdad goes "THATS HOT!" when she starts playing tonsil hockey with this one chick who's response is "I need to tell you something" she keeps kissing her and asks "What?" she says "I have a boyfriend?" she (the lesbian) replies, "So what?" they both laugh and keep swapping spit. Good for them. Obviously the lesbian was attracted to her, obviously Straighty McMakeoutwithalesibananyways is a slut, as she said straight, not bi. Whatever. I have friends in all three groups. Who cares. But anywho, back to the reason for my rant...

My stepdad says "thats hot" How blissfully naive and childlike. "So if that was two guys it woudn't be though" He says "HELL NO" okay, worded that wrong, because I dont think him kissing my mother is hot by ANY stretch, but I dont think it's wrong, they're in love and should be able to do as they please. So I reword it, "And it'd be WRONG if it were two men? But not wrong if its two women?" 

"Right, two guys is just wrong, two girls is fine as long as they;re hot!!"

Brilliant. I'm glad that your IQ has risen to that of a formulated statement.

"Why?" I ask.

"Because it's nasty!"

Clearly you are the most intelligent being in this house. That is why you are the MAN of the house!! 

Now believe me, I wanna be a house wife as much as the next Dorris Day, but seriously? The Man of the house should do more than carry a club, wack dinner over the head, drag it back to the home, and feed his family. I'm afraid that this sort of statement irritates me to my very core. If you don't want two men kissing? Fine, if you think that its the whole religious "man and woman" argument, that's totally valid and okay. If you think lesbians or two women kissing is hot and acceptable fine!! You don't need to think two guys kissing is "hot" or even something you want to SEE, but you CAN'T like one, and say the other is completely unacceptable. It's just not okay. It's wrong. It's Hypocritical.

I hate this about my stepfather. Especially when so many of my mothers best and closest friends are gay. She doesn't see them any more. And I know why.

I haven't been in the mood to blog for weeks....forgive me...

So...here I sit, wondering what I've done wrong, YET AGAIN. Not about the current dating situation, but the one before it. I was dating a friend of mine, which is very real and very scary. Dating a friend is always hard, because, what if it doesn't work out? What if there's a fight? You don't want to not like this person, they're your friend. I decided for myself, I was clearly not ready to date again. This became apparent to me after we went out twice. We went out and it was wonderful and I had a great time. But I got scared, I didn't feel like I was ready for "serious" and I don't want to do that to a friend. So I basically pulled the brakes.

Well got my barings and raised all the flags, flashy lights, sirens and all.

Nothing.

I don't hound people, but I did everything save for tattoo "date me" on my forehead.

I give up.

Something about every guy I date turns them off to me immediately. I'm not sure why, or what I do, but it happens. Something. Maybe it's just who I am? Maybe I'm too hyper, or too sensitive, too overly emotional, too laid back, too high strung, too fat, too unattractive, or just too ME.

Someday.



Bah Humbug.

more at 10.... tired...

Never
once in my life did I expect
never
to see you there and genuflect-ing
girls, and boys and childhood toys
but you, never

I said I love you but I hated you
I said I cared but I loathed you
You said you loved me and I strayed from you
then you left
and you had me at goodbye
you had me at goodbye

Sever
all your ties from me right now
Sever
all the love you feel inside and
say all the thing never could
but I would, sever

I said I loved you but I hated you
I said I cared but I loathed you
you said you loved me and I strayed from you
then you left
and you had me at goodbye
you had me at goodbye

Hold me the way you never did
as you walk away (walk away)
touch me the way you never did
as you walk away (walk away)
kiss me the way you never did
as you walk away (walk away)
Miss me the way you’re going to
as you walk away (walk away)
as you walk away
say all the things you never could when it mattered!
now, it’s, too, late

(double beat)

I said I loved you but I hated you
I said I cared but I loathed you
you said you loved me and I strayed from you
then you left,
but you had me at good bye
you had me at good bye
you sadly had me at goodbye
too bad till’ now you’d never tried
you fucking had me at goodbye
you had me at goodbye

For those of you who DON'T know, despite the perma facepaint smile on my face....I'm rather depressed. Always have been. I'm also an actress so the majority of people don't see it. I help others with their problems to avoid my own. I know this.

My mother has often started shit with me, YELLING at me wondering why I'm depressed. Wow, yell at me because I'm depressed. "Oh, I'm not supposed to be? I'm sorry." I get depressed because I'm overweight, don't start with the onslaught of "we love you the way you are" messages, spare me the little white lies.

I'm overweight because eating is a stress reliever, well I want to lose weight, but I can't because I'm too stressed. I'll go hang with Gab for a weekend and be on top of the world and happy and in a great mood. Then I walk into my house and SHE has found something to bitch about. So I get stressed. Lame. Viscious circle.

Well today she chose to bitch about my credit card which STILL isn't paid off. Fuck. Well SORRY.

She bitches because I don't have a job, again, pardon me. The economy is shit and NOONE can find a job, people with three degrees cant get a job pumping gas for fuck sakes. I've been screwed over by a few "friends" who said they could "totally hire me where they work".....yet hire three members of the opposite sex instead. And I'm sick of being used by everyone, but at the same time, I dont want charity. When I lived with alex I had to suck up my pride and accept that I wasn't a provider and accept peoples charity. I hate it. I dispise it. It makes me crazy.

Don't complain that im never home, then bitch that I never leave when I am. I feel unwanted. I feel hated. I feel cast aside. I feel like I've lost the most important woman in my life.

I just hate that she cares more about her new family than me.

Dear Santa... Dear Santa, This year I've been busy! In June I ate my brussel sprouts (1 points). Last week joker4gotham and I robbed a bank (-50 points). Last Sunday amethysm and I donated clothes to the needy (11 points). Last Wednesday on a flight to Pakistan, I stole the emergency flight information card (-40 points). In September I didn't flush (-1 points). Overall, I've been naughty (-79 points). For Christmas I deserve a moldy sandwich! Sincerely, paganprincess42

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I particularly find the one Joker wound up on hilarious....

I'm officially done with this "fat" business. I need to lose more fucking weight before I decide that an easier option would be to kill myself in some tragic accident. I'm going positively mad. I see someone in a cool costume and i go "I could make that....." but I know in the back of my head I'm going "hey, you COULD wear that....it wouldn't look good, at ALL, but you COULD" Even more than the looking at all these perfect women, some of who dont even WANT to do it, their nerdy boyfriend just said :"hey wear this...its hot" and she does, drives me mad. positively psychotic. I might scream.....


okay I screamed. I'm better....sort of....I might just go drown a cat or something....or maybe a sheep. I'll never see sheep the same ever again....ever. Thanks Puddin. But seriously, it's driving me mad, batty even (rimshot). And I KNOW you all know what costume I'm referring to because I cant google it anywhere without finding 9million skank-tastic fucking cock sucking unprettyful COMPLETELY deranged cracked out whorish chicks in the damn thing. OBVIOUSLY I have friends who wear cosplay stuff and are VERY good and I COMPLETELY respect them (IE: Anyone on my friends list MWAH love you all) but it gets annoying when your like "omg you're dressed as *insert character here*! I love your costume!" and the fucking god damned response is "Oh...is that who I am? I dunno, my boyfriend just told me to wear this." ................really?

But more so, please oh please don't rationalize for me. I appreciate the "you're perfect the way you are" comments. Because I know you care, but when I say I want to lose weight, don't look at me like I said I wanna get my fucking nipples pierced to my kneecaps. Maybe I'm just being irrational. Or maybe I'm just...


ya know...




CrAzY.